On the evening of 26th Akhileshwar received a rude shock
when lousy morons discussing post budget analysis on the idiot box
said consumer goods prices would go spiraling up
he thought ,‘The finance minister has a servant to knead the dough
another servant to make them into round balls
the 3rd servant would put them on the stove and make rotis of 30cms diameter
but I, I am simple mediocre Akhileshwar
He switched on the telebrands channel
and noted down the number of the shop that sold roti maker
a young lady in an anglicized tone said
‘6 rotis in 2 minutes’
Akhileshwar wondered ‘What’s the connection between Yankees and chapattis?’
4 months from now Akhileshwar
will be heading to the university of Texas for his post graduation studies
Akhileshwar thinks that he’ll hog the limelight in the Indian community
as he can make the best rotis
No cholesterol , no calories
All the Indian girls will ask him to throw a roti party
He can prepare them even if he were in disaster struck Haiti
4 years down the line , he can show off this priced procession , this little treasure
to his wife who’s probably going to give a friendly punch to his tummy
treat him like the Pillsbury mascot and say ‘Cho Chweet’
Akhileshwar waits for his roti maker that he booked on the evening of 26th
He’s even cancelled his tickets of ‘Karthik calling Karthik’
It’ll be home delivered in a few hours from now.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Saturday, February 26, 2011
The Big Budget 2011 :)
‘This is my blog and I get to speak first, yaay ‘exclaimed Ananth .Flexing his muscles he said ‘it takes nearly a month and 2 hours a day at the gym for the biceps to grow by an inch, how do people decide about how they are going to manage the country’s finances in a matter of 2 hours on the 28th of February?’
When Raghu Ram of MTV was questioned, turning down the volume of ‘Sheila ki jawani’ playing the background he shouted ‘What’s the use of a budget session when the opinion of the youth isn’t taken in to consideration at all’ clearly showing that he belonged to generation ‘X’ or ‘Y’ or ‘Z’ .Even the youth of India are confused which alphabet is to be used while representing themselves.
Talking about the youth, when the students of Princeton Review (GRE ,GMAT coaching center)were asked what their thoughts on the budget were, one of them replied ‘Budget, you mean Indian budget, you gotta be kidding me man’. The others laughed their asses off jostling American Idol and America’s got talent DVD’s at each other.
Aspiring fast bowler Vinay Kumar said ‘To be frank, I really don’t know much about the economy and the finances but I can surely bowl no balls in a more authentic manner than that Mohammad Aamir , which fool oversteps like that?’ he winked .Vinay added that a ball is called a no ball if the bowler changes the side of the wicket from which he bowls without notifying the umpire, showing off his cricket trivia yet again.
An angry Abhilash B R fumed ‘This Rahul Gandhi is a totally useless fellow. Let him take up some ministry and set an example as to how the country is to be governed, ask him if he is able to understand what the finance minister is speaking?’ An animated Arnab Goswami observed ‘This is for the 3rd time that Abhilash has attacked Rahul Gandhi on Ananth’s blog. He opens his mouth wherever he gets to express his opinion free of cost’.
Rakhi Sawanth tried to revamp her image in the media by speaking something completely contrary to what the reporters expected from her . When asked her about her take on the Budget 2011 she said ‘You mean , inflation , deficit , surcharge , cess , sensex , bull , bear , swan and budget eh?’ picking up some keywords that geeky morons spoke on CNBC TV 18 spoke while studying bar graphs and ever changing saw tooth waveforms . Rakhi Sawanth added ‘I will assimilate, accumulate and analyze every ‘B’, every ‘A’, every ‘J’, every ‘E’ an every ‘T’ of the budget ‘once again showing why she is the darling of prime time television.
Ujjval Nikam as usual showed a victory sign thinking that reporters went to congratulate him for the 26/11 case .No one has approached Jackie Shroff for comments. Karan Johar wanted to play a rapid fire round with the finance minister but the show was called off since Pranab’s replies were dead slow , Sonia Gandhi slammed Karan Johar stating that the Coffee or Koffee hamper was too classy and dint go well with the austerity drive of the Indian national congress.
When Raghu Ram of MTV was questioned, turning down the volume of ‘Sheila ki jawani’ playing the background he shouted ‘What’s the use of a budget session when the opinion of the youth isn’t taken in to consideration at all’ clearly showing that he belonged to generation ‘X’ or ‘Y’ or ‘Z’ .Even the youth of India are confused which alphabet is to be used while representing themselves.
Talking about the youth, when the students of Princeton Review (GRE ,GMAT coaching center)were asked what their thoughts on the budget were, one of them replied ‘Budget, you mean Indian budget, you gotta be kidding me man’. The others laughed their asses off jostling American Idol and America’s got talent DVD’s at each other.
Aspiring fast bowler Vinay Kumar said ‘To be frank, I really don’t know much about the economy and the finances but I can surely bowl no balls in a more authentic manner than that Mohammad Aamir , which fool oversteps like that?’ he winked .Vinay added that a ball is called a no ball if the bowler changes the side of the wicket from which he bowls without notifying the umpire, showing off his cricket trivia yet again.
An angry Abhilash B R fumed ‘This Rahul Gandhi is a totally useless fellow. Let him take up some ministry and set an example as to how the country is to be governed, ask him if he is able to understand what the finance minister is speaking?’ An animated Arnab Goswami observed ‘This is for the 3rd time that Abhilash has attacked Rahul Gandhi on Ananth’s blog. He opens his mouth wherever he gets to express his opinion free of cost’.
Rakhi Sawanth tried to revamp her image in the media by speaking something completely contrary to what the reporters expected from her . When asked her about her take on the Budget 2011 she said ‘You mean , inflation , deficit , surcharge , cess , sensex , bull , bear , swan and budget eh?’ picking up some keywords that geeky morons spoke on CNBC TV 18 spoke while studying bar graphs and ever changing saw tooth waveforms . Rakhi Sawanth added ‘I will assimilate, accumulate and analyze every ‘B’, every ‘A’, every ‘J’, every ‘E’ an every ‘T’ of the budget ‘once again showing why she is the darling of prime time television.
Ujjval Nikam as usual showed a victory sign thinking that reporters went to congratulate him for the 26/11 case .No one has approached Jackie Shroff for comments. Karan Johar wanted to play a rapid fire round with the finance minister but the show was called off since Pranab’s replies were dead slow , Sonia Gandhi slammed Karan Johar stating that the Coffee or Koffee hamper was too classy and dint go well with the austerity drive of the Indian national congress.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Hopefully Arnab : Shivrajkumar to make more flops
Arnab : The few things that separate him from Hrithik , Sharukh and Aamir are a series of flops , a flabby body and an unsexy wife. On my show tonight , joining us is the man himself Mr Shivrajkumar (S K)
Arnab: Welcome to the show Mr. Shivrajkumar So tell us , how did all this begin , how have you managed to deliver flops so consistently?
SK: Well , as you know , my first 3 films were huge box office hits . Then one afternoon my brothers and I were playing snakes and ladders at home , gradually we moved to complex games like ‘Truth and Dare’ .My brothers dared me to make a flop movie
Arnab: And then??
SK: The rest as they say is history , sibling rivalry you see! . People call my brother ‘Rocky’ after the success of his latest film and they call me Floppy. Old, stupid and useless like the Floppy disc , buhahahaha.
Arnab: Excellent , Shivarjkumar as candid as ever , pedestrian humor at it’s very best. Well moving ahead , what are the films that we can expect to see in the coming days
SK: I’m trying to do as many bad movies as possible , if everyone delivers superhits and blockbusters , I don’t see how I can be different
Arnab: So what’s that something different ?
SK: I’ll do movies that’ll kill audiences out of sheer tedium , literally bore them to death. I’m playing a lift operators role in my forthcoming movie who’s in charge of operating a lift in a 25 storey building. It’s based on his daily routine of operating the lift. Shooting for this movie was quite a challenge since I’m afraid of heights. Kamal Hassan had no dialogues in a movie of his ‘Pushpak’ . In my movie there’s only 1 dialogue . This is by an arrogant young man who tells the life operator ‘Hey macha , take me to the 12th floor dude’ .Other people press buttons on their own. This is repeated nearly 40 times in the movie , it’s the only dialogue in the movie which otherwise focuses on the boring life of the lift operator and kinematics involved in elevator movement.
Arnab: Wonderful, any other movies?
SK: Yes there are 2 movies , one where I play a watchman in a building . I actually got deep in to my character and became a night watchman of an apartment block , shooed away street dogs , snored for sometime. All this was shot between 10 in the night and 6 in the morning. It’s up for editing . Other than this there’s a biopic on Rahul Dravid’s life , movie titled ‘Day 5’ where Dravid saves the test match by hitting 20 runs of 180 balls. It’s difficult to play defence and not hit any runs.I’m trying my best to bat like him
Arnab: Sources tell us that you are reading scripts from Hollywood . Would you like to comment on this?
SK: I wouldn’t like to spill the beans out of the bag right now. All I can say is , I’ll be playing Angelina Jolie’s eldest adopted son.I’ve had to style myself differently for this
Arnab: Yes , we'll unveil the new look exclusively on Times Now
Arnab: What would you say to contemporaries who are trying to compete with you on making more flops?
SK: I am the only member of my fan club, I’ve never been kissed nor has anyone asked me to kiss on screen or off screen , I’ve never been a part of any page 3 parties , I am the brand ambassador of the textile company ‘BS Chanbasappa and sons’.Ever heard of that?? . That’s the only brand I’ve ever endorsed in my entire career . Beat that bitch
Arnab: ‘Beat that bitch’ says Shivrajkumar. We appreciate your candor . Thank you for joining us Shivrajkumar
SK: Call me floppy
Arnab: Floppy it is!!On the other side of the newshour , we’ll have Kokilaben talking about the kind of games that Anil and Mukesh play
(Harman bhaweja shrugged in fear . Riding high on the failure of 2 films , he was worried if his next one would become a hit accidentally)
Arnab: Welcome to the show Mr. Shivrajkumar So tell us , how did all this begin , how have you managed to deliver flops so consistently?
SK: Well , as you know , my first 3 films were huge box office hits . Then one afternoon my brothers and I were playing snakes and ladders at home , gradually we moved to complex games like ‘Truth and Dare’ .My brothers dared me to make a flop movie
Arnab: And then??
SK: The rest as they say is history , sibling rivalry you see! . People call my brother ‘Rocky’ after the success of his latest film and they call me Floppy. Old, stupid and useless like the Floppy disc , buhahahaha.
Arnab: Excellent , Shivarjkumar as candid as ever , pedestrian humor at it’s very best. Well moving ahead , what are the films that we can expect to see in the coming days
SK: I’m trying to do as many bad movies as possible , if everyone delivers superhits and blockbusters , I don’t see how I can be different
Arnab: So what’s that something different ?
SK: I’ll do movies that’ll kill audiences out of sheer tedium , literally bore them to death. I’m playing a lift operators role in my forthcoming movie who’s in charge of operating a lift in a 25 storey building. It’s based on his daily routine of operating the lift. Shooting for this movie was quite a challenge since I’m afraid of heights. Kamal Hassan had no dialogues in a movie of his ‘Pushpak’ . In my movie there’s only 1 dialogue . This is by an arrogant young man who tells the life operator ‘Hey macha , take me to the 12th floor dude’ .Other people press buttons on their own. This is repeated nearly 40 times in the movie , it’s the only dialogue in the movie which otherwise focuses on the boring life of the lift operator and kinematics involved in elevator movement.
Arnab: Wonderful, any other movies?
SK: Yes there are 2 movies , one where I play a watchman in a building . I actually got deep in to my character and became a night watchman of an apartment block , shooed away street dogs , snored for sometime. All this was shot between 10 in the night and 6 in the morning. It’s up for editing . Other than this there’s a biopic on Rahul Dravid’s life , movie titled ‘Day 5’ where Dravid saves the test match by hitting 20 runs of 180 balls. It’s difficult to play defence and not hit any runs.I’m trying my best to bat like him
Arnab: Sources tell us that you are reading scripts from Hollywood . Would you like to comment on this?
SK: I wouldn’t like to spill the beans out of the bag right now. All I can say is , I’ll be playing Angelina Jolie’s eldest adopted son.I’ve had to style myself differently for this
Arnab: Yes , we'll unveil the new look exclusively on Times Now
Arnab: What would you say to contemporaries who are trying to compete with you on making more flops?
SK: I am the only member of my fan club, I’ve never been kissed nor has anyone asked me to kiss on screen or off screen , I’ve never been a part of any page 3 parties , I am the brand ambassador of the textile company ‘BS Chanbasappa and sons’.Ever heard of that?? . That’s the only brand I’ve ever endorsed in my entire career . Beat that bitch
Arnab: ‘Beat that bitch’ says Shivrajkumar. We appreciate your candor . Thank you for joining us Shivrajkumar
SK: Call me floppy
Arnab: Floppy it is!!On the other side of the newshour , we’ll have Kokilaben talking about the kind of games that Anil and Mukesh play
(Harman bhaweja shrugged in fear . Riding high on the failure of 2 films , he was worried if his next one would become a hit accidentally)
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Nothing in particular
Added the traffic counter to my blog today .I tried doing it many days ago but for some reason or the other it didn’t work. It’s a pretty intelligent tool and knows where you come from. Apart from this , I’d also like to discuss about photo sessions on a vacation. The worst part of vacations is the photo session .You have to put on a fake expression and pretend that you are having a gala time standing next to a mountain or a waterfall or something .When you are in a group, you need to giggle with a bunch of bozos and in my opinion this is the stupidest thing that one can be a part of. One or two pics are fine but there’s absolutely no need for you to be captured in every latitude, altitude and every step that you climb. I also have noticed that sometimes the main intention of clicking pics is to put it on your facebook profile .One guy asks another ‘Hey did you upload them on facebook?’ . This is pretty annoying. You don’t need to tell the whole world that you were on a trip . Apparently there’s this android application where once a photo is taken on a phone it automatically gets uploaded on facebook. May the guy who inveneted this become a leper soon .Maybe I’m saying this because I don’t carry too many memories after a certain event meaning nostalgia doesn’t come dripping down my ass or something. Sometimes I tend to be pretty unemotional and completely aloof. This photo session reminds me of wedding lunches where the videographer takes a video of everyone having lunch. It completely frustrates you when an idiot is focusing this bright light that can make you go blind and you are licking the rasam off your fingers. I suppose that the hosts want to know if you ate more than what your gift was worth. I loathe that part when someone captures greasy liquids on my palm and I eating like a glutton . I generally eat a sweet or a bonda when the videographer comes to look a little elegant and suave .
So what would my ideal vacation be ? An impromptu one , completely unplanned and no cameras for heaven’s sake. Plan to go to place A , take a deviation and then land in place B . Find your way out , catch random buses and trains and do it within a certain budget . Even if you hire a taxi , stay quiet , no gay jokes and toilet humor even while traveling in a group. Sleep , watch the trees pass by, watch the orange sun and think of some abstract stories. I thought of this weird story where there’s a poet who creates this fictitious girl in his mind , she belongs to an anti poetry society , she’s like the edit page written by bores, like the neon bulb that glow aimlessly in the market place. The author knows nothing but to kill her. The girl finally huffs and leaps through puffs of dust and she survives. The poet dies , not the real death but a metaphorical one , his mind goes blank , a writer's block perhaps or something more serious. It’s fun to think about stupid stories like these .I also dream about running through the gulf of Kutch , through that white patch of soil with my silhouette following me .I look at myself and think that one day I’ll be able to call myself ‘A revolutionary depressed bohemian ‘ . Bye for now , go drown yourself in something depressing and soon you’ll get to discover something different !!!
So what would my ideal vacation be ? An impromptu one , completely unplanned and no cameras for heaven’s sake. Plan to go to place A , take a deviation and then land in place B . Find your way out , catch random buses and trains and do it within a certain budget . Even if you hire a taxi , stay quiet , no gay jokes and toilet humor even while traveling in a group. Sleep , watch the trees pass by, watch the orange sun and think of some abstract stories. I thought of this weird story where there’s a poet who creates this fictitious girl in his mind , she belongs to an anti poetry society , she’s like the edit page written by bores, like the neon bulb that glow aimlessly in the market place. The author knows nothing but to kill her. The girl finally huffs and leaps through puffs of dust and she survives. The poet dies , not the real death but a metaphorical one , his mind goes blank , a writer's block perhaps or something more serious. It’s fun to think about stupid stories like these .I also dream about running through the gulf of Kutch , through that white patch of soil with my silhouette following me .I look at myself and think that one day I’ll be able to call myself ‘A revolutionary depressed bohemian ‘ . Bye for now , go drown yourself in something depressing and soon you’ll get to discover something different !!!
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Happy students no longer a part of college websites!
Colleges have been asked to remove photos of happy looking students from their websites. The Supreme Court has directed the colleges to do away with photographs of beautiful girls wherein they raise their arms up in the air and jump with joy for no reason. This was in response to a public interest litigation filed by a student named Jimmy who said that he had been cheated. Talking to the media he told “Colleges deceive students by putting up false pictures on their website. I joined this college hoping that I could roll my ass on the lawns of lush green gardens, stare at the laptop aimlessly with some pretty girls , attend Halloween parties , give high fives and throw off black hats along with a bunch of happy people , only later did I realize that the last thing happens only at the end of 4 years. These 4 years have been very hard, grueling schedules, tests, exams, assignments and sadist teachers. Total shit yaar , holy shit”
emphasizing on the word ‘shit’ over and over again so that he could sound like one of those ‘dudes’ on Brigade and M G road. websites. An ace phtographer said that blonde girls who live in down town Mumbai waiting for a chance to dance as extras in meaningless Akshay Kumar movies pose for college websites when they don’t get to dance.
However the Karnataka engineering colleges have defended this action of thiers stating that the at least
pretty pictures will bring students to college . The chairman of this board said “ in states like UP and Bihar , colleges put pictures of Mayawathi and Rabri Devi on their webpages which scare away young boys. This explains the lack of literacy in those states”
Jimmy said that these justifications were very stupid . He has been now been given the coveted title of ‘MAGA’ (Man of attitude and general awesomeness). The spokesperson for the association of MAGAs said that if Jimmy would continue to fight for the causes of cheated students it wouldn’t be far when he’ll be addressed as ‘MACHA’ which unfortunately hasn’t got any fullform but it is a desi adaption of the engilsh word ‘Macho’.
Jimmy adressing MAGAs(Men of attitude and general awesomeness) from all over the word “ I did a very stupid job by joining this college . Who’s going to give me back the 4 years that I’ve lost , I want my childhood back , I want to go back to those days when I sang ‘rain is falling cham chama cham cham’ and I dint give a damn about the grammar in that song. I want to relive all those moments when I ate off cone ice creams and thought that they were the most innovative thing that was created by man , wherein there would be no wastage just like it happens in bannana plants where every part can be used. Magas , we have to think beyond colorful prospectus and glossy websites ”
Bangalore Mirror didn't bother to publish this news as they were more interested in Ananth’s story whose weight or mass( as physicists like to call it )recently broke it in to 3 digits. “I’m elated , one organ’s loss (pointing to his brain) is an others gain ( pointing to his tummy)“ grinned Ananth
emphasizing on the word ‘shit’ over and over again so that he could sound like one of those ‘dudes’ on Brigade and M G road. websites. An ace phtographer said that blonde girls who live in down town Mumbai waiting for a chance to dance as extras in meaningless Akshay Kumar movies pose for college websites when they don’t get to dance.
However the Karnataka engineering colleges have defended this action of thiers stating that the at least
pretty pictures will bring students to college . The chairman of this board said “ in states like UP and Bihar , colleges put pictures of Mayawathi and Rabri Devi on their webpages which scare away young boys. This explains the lack of literacy in those states”
Jimmy said that these justifications were very stupid . He has been now been given the coveted title of ‘MAGA’ (Man of attitude and general awesomeness). The spokesperson for the association of MAGAs said that if Jimmy would continue to fight for the causes of cheated students it wouldn’t be far when he’ll be addressed as ‘MACHA’ which unfortunately hasn’t got any fullform but it is a desi adaption of the engilsh word ‘Macho’.
Jimmy adressing MAGAs(Men of attitude and general awesomeness) from all over the word “ I did a very stupid job by joining this college . Who’s going to give me back the 4 years that I’ve lost , I want my childhood back , I want to go back to those days when I sang ‘rain is falling cham chama cham cham’ and I dint give a damn about the grammar in that song. I want to relive all those moments when I ate off cone ice creams and thought that they were the most innovative thing that was created by man , wherein there would be no wastage just like it happens in bannana plants where every part can be used. Magas , we have to think beyond colorful prospectus and glossy websites ”
Bangalore Mirror didn't bother to publish this news as they were more interested in Ananth’s story whose weight or mass( as physicists like to call it )recently broke it in to 3 digits. “I’m elated , one organ’s loss (pointing to his brain) is an others gain ( pointing to his tummy)“ grinned Ananth
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