The Human Canvas

It is 7.30 in the morning and I amble my way across this Muslim ghetto noticing the myriad happenings around me. It is a kind of open air theatre. The little girls and boys getting ready to go to school dressed in their little pink uniforms. Most of them have not been washed for a few days to weeks. The auto driver finally arrives. The eldest kid sits next to him in the front. The little ones get into the auto and sit opposite one another, like they do in an 8 seater Maruti Omni. The make shift wooden plank will soon be removed and the auto-man will continue to provide custom made trips for the richer crowd across the city.

Welcome to the other side of Bangalore, far away from the elitist colonies, the big IT hubs, the huge shopping malls , grand apartment blocks which stand high ,and where luxury cars sally heedlessly past, may be with lot of arrogance and a little bit of conceit. Here is a colony that is unaffected by all this and you still experience that old world charm. There is that ‘PURE VHEJ’ hotel next to the ‘MUGHLAI KITCHEN’. People here do not discuss the politics of Ayodhya or the Sachar committee report . For them it is the question of survival, day to day living and earning to provide the next meal. Secularism either by force or by choice exists here and it is wonderfully heartening to see this.

And yes, there is the stink arising from the appalling filth scattered around, the open gutters with a hundred million things floating in its vortex. Come Friday and you are greeted by men in spotless white kurtas, and embroidered white skull caps going for their prayers. The attar also does the talking, its overwhelming aroma wanting to bog down the all pervading stink. After prayers everyone gathers around Karim’s tea-shop. It isn’t your Café Coffee Day or the lounge area of Starbucks. It is a humble tiny shop with some verses of Koran written on one of the walls. Every morning I see around forty people flocking this shop to have tea and bun for Rs 5/- There is still that old analog telephone, an instrument in which you have to dip your index finger and turn it in a clockwise direction to make a call. I vividly remember the day when the boy who runs this place offered me free tea as it was his birthday. I was a little reluctant at first, repelled by the lack of hygiene of this place but the magnanimity of the offer made me shed my inhibitions and I accepted the tea. It was delicious. I don’t know if Karim’s Tea shop has a fan following on the global phenomenon called Facebook, nor do I know if it contained 4 herbs or half a dozen masalas in minute measured quantities and the care that went into the brewing of the ‘custom made tea’ the ultimate in luxury for Vir sanghvi ‘of NDTV goodtimes fame, nevertheless it broke all mental blocks and physical barriers that divide us. Sandwiched in between these tea shops, and the veg and no so veg hotels are those teeny weeny shops which you wouldn’t notice if you were driving at little more than 20 kms/hr. You get all sorts of knick knacks- safety pins, mouse traps, rubber bands to name a few. There are other shops that sell ‘Nippat’ and ‘Mysorepak’ at 1 Re a piece. You see everyone has to make a living!

One day the road is closed due to laying of pipes. I am forced to take a detour through the by lanes. I become a little adventurous and try to explore this place even more. One lane leads to another into a maze of sorts and finally you feel like you have ended up in a labyrinth. The narrow lanes resemble a blasted moonscape with large craters. The dingy alleys open up a Pandora’s Box of snapshots, where you get to know how human beings survive. On one road there are men who exercise their brawn power to cut the rods of steel and carry huge iron boxes. There is loud Sufi music being played in a garage from a stereo that belongs to the era bygone, ten year old kids, to the owner who is probably in his mid 30s pump up the adrenaline within their bodies as they disappear underneath the monster of an SUV to unscrew various parts and figure out the source of the trouble. Cardboard box like houses are stacked one on top of the other with utter disregard for the laws of Physics. Houses are built on sites of various dimensions, some big, some small the some others 3 stories tall all shapes and sizes,all of which would put Euclidian Geometry to shame. A photograph of the top view of these buildings would probably look like the arrangement of Lego Blocks by an adventurous kid who is handling it for the first time. A peep inside these houses makes you realize that there are 6 to 7 people inside a 10ft*10ft house. They may lack the basic amenities like water or sanitation but the ubiquitous colour television is present.

I finally trace my way back to the main road. I notice that the old man who used to beg on the streets all these days has now become an astrologer. He has a few cards, a parrot and a cage. Though this may not be a perfect definition of career progression, it is definitely a more dignified career option .I don’t believe in astrology but I go and sit in front of him and press a Rs 5/- note into his hands and don’t bother to know what the card picked up by the parrot has in store for me.
The morning will become noon and noon will progress into twilight, the neon bulbs will be switched on, the men who worked hard all day will go home to rest, the idiot box will continue to broadcast yummy crap. I too sleep hoping that tomorrow will present a more optimistic picture, more stories of survival and hope, more grit and determination from the people of this place, who will one day carve out a niche for themselves.

Definetly Arnab

Arnab Goswami replaced Pikachu as the weirdest character on Indian television . Second on the list was Nakusha (aka Nakku) . Pikachu was disappointed as he had to move 3 slots below the numero uno position that he held till date. When asked about how he felt on winning this prestigious award Arnab replied ‘The competition was very stiff , but my black suits did better than her dark skin. No offences meant . I am a huge fan of Nakku and it gives me Goosebumps when I watch a serial where women wake up in silk sarees and a gun in their hands.She has done a wonderful thing by marrying a local goon .Go for the kill girl!’ .

This day went down in history as a ‘Black day’ and Arnab celebrated it with Black forest cakes , black coffee and black current ice creams. Congratulatory messages were pouring in on Arnab’s facebook page and the Times Now website .For the first time in a month or so the TCS placement website dint show the famous ‘system under heavy load’ sign. An elated Ratan Tata sarcastically said ‘ Students had pinched , punched and squeezed our website . It’s finally got some time to recover. Thank you Arnab for providing some space on the net where students can park their asses’

Sashi Taroor tweeted ‘Kudos Amigo Arnab . I stumbled upon your channel by chance and watching you cover the news was like watching porn for the first time . It changed my life completely’ . The BJP spokesperson Ravi Shankar Prasad quickly reacted saying that ‘This is a very cheap , vulgar and very gay statement written with prurient interest and will do great harm to the nation’. An emergency meeting was held at 10 Janpath . Sonia, PM , Chidambaram , Pranab Mukherje , A K Antony , Manish tiwari arrived for this meeting . After 4 large pizzas , bottles of Gatorade , lots of Mishti Dahi , 3 games of housie housie and 7 hrs 43 mins of discussion they finally came to a conclusion . Speaking to the media Manish Tiwari had only 2 lines to say ‘Sahi Taroor has a very lousy sense of humor . Read his jokes at your own risk’

Meanwhile , the queue outside Arnab’s office had increased exponentially . The big boss inmates were allowed to have a quick darshan of Arnab. Mamata Banerjee had stood in the queue for nearly 4 hours . She then went to the loo .Mayawathi who was standing way behind illegally occupied her position . When Mamata finally came back a fight broke out between the two. What went on is as follows
Mamata: You came and occupied my position. How dare you so that?
Maya: Oh! Stop making silly allegations against me you silly girl
Mamata: A fat stomach never breeds fine thoughts.
Maya: You called me fat eh? Look at yourself you derailed train
Mamata: Shut up fluffy pig
Mamata pulled Maya’s hair
Mamata: What a hopeless haircut is this, you hair looks like a thin blade of grass in the middle of a desert
Maya: Yours is like that of a bunch of coriander leaves sold in the market for Rs 2
Mamata: You talk as though yours is like that of Jairam Ramesh's


Sashi taroor tweeted again ‘Watching the live coverage on TV , I must admit Mamata looks wonderful in spikes’ . The BJP accused Sashi of doing this in an attempt to woo Maya and collect more funds for the Kochi IPL team

For the first time in a decade or so , Arnab had to face the questions from prominent personalities from all walks of life . Questions on a wide range of topics which included his early education days , his life as a reporter , an anchor , passion for news , his hobbies , games that he plays etc
Suresh Kalmadi who was standing in the queue asked Arnab ‘Why was sea water salty?’ Aranb was in a state of shock . Kalmadi was happy that he could embarrass the man who had beaten the shit out of him in full public view. Arnab did not give up . He replied


‘When income tax officials came running behind
Mr. Koda drove to the sea shore in his skoda
to god he prayed “Life isn’t at its usual ease
please bring back all the peace”
God gifted him a magic wand
Soon, his aides came in Audis and Ferraris
and brought along with them pots of money
Koda , the poster boy of the world of crooks
The wand in his hand, he shook
Surprise!! Surprise!!!
All his processions turned in to salt
and in order to leave no trace of anything
“I will put everything back to the sea” Koda thought

Even today , Mr Koda is pouring the slat back in to the sea . This explains why sea water is salty’
‘The same thing is going to happen to you Mr Kalmadi ‘ he said with a wicked wink
All the journalists were stunned . Parle G manufacturers impressed by Arnab’s wit , timing and sense of humor offered him a million dollars to have his face on their biscuit packet wrappers

The story of the slow boy

A generation where cornflakes where thrown in to a bowl of milk
and in the oven rotated packets of ‘ Ready to Eat’
Yet he liked to ogle at the golden brown dosa
finally break it, dip it in coconut chutney
feel the milky , juicy lubricant gushing in
And finally exclaim ‘Ah Calories!’
He counted the hundred and fifty steps he had to climb up in college
At every 25th stood the security
Six different guards at each level
Six different songs he would hum daily
Six times he would move his brush towards the left and right cheek
Until his teeth would vibrate due to the beauty of the ‘six symmetry’
He loved everything associated with 6
though 5 was midway between 1 and 10
it lacked the charm that 6 processed
5 was a multiple of 10
10 made people hungry , 100 made them greedy
1000 was enough to turn the world upside down
A few more zeros to the right and everyone would go berserk
He loved to talk about the revolution of Che
About Cuba and the birth of communism
About unequally divided equality
He liked to look at all the gigantic buildings
Not because they were engineering marvels
Not because their architecture was a topic of great intrigue
Only because , one day he could climb up and feel the sweat rushing through his body
Look at the pinnacle and tell the world
‘I too was there once’


And then a strong wind blew
He too moved like everyone else
he too started loving 5
for it was right in the middle
he too ate with 2 fingers
the other 8 , he used it in so called multitasking
he cursed god for not providing a 11th one
when it was too late
and legs too weak to stand erect
he said ‘how I wish , the wind hadn’t blown’

Almost Arnab

Arnab : 4 months after he was born , Rajeev Gandhi died . The year he was born , the Berlin wall collapsed , Union Carbide had agreed to pay $470 million as relief to the Bhopal Gas tragedy victims but it never happened . Communism spread in the Soviet Union after the cold war ended .

21 years later, he hung himself to death. Welcome to the Newshour tonight . Yesterday Ananth died under mysterious circumstances leaving no suicide note behind. To discuss about the possible reasons behind his death we have with us Arundathi Roy representing the national human rights commission , Manish Tiwari Congress spokesperson , a professor from his college , Rajeev Masand noted film critic . Your views Arundathi

Arundathi Roy: He did not leave behind any note. This is probably an indication of how frustrated he was copying notes in his college. The college had started to pressurize him too much and he couldn’t take all that. His friends included Rajesh , Shreyas , Anirudh to name a few who never took up a sport in their lives , who never bunked a day of college ,who knew “Python” before Anaconda released , who had a dictionary in their hand and America in their eyes . These were the kind of sad circumstances amidst which he had to live . Ananth also had to climb 8 floors every day to get to his classroom . This is the height of torture Arnab

Arnab : Mr. professor , would you like to react to that ? 8 floors daily. What do you have to say?
Professor: Since he was a student of telecommunication engineering, we wanted him to stay as close as possible to technology . Students were assigned the room on the 8th floor so that he could feel and experience the power of UV rays and high tension wires from as close a distance as possible

Arnab: Point justified but we have some CCTV footage from your college that says something else. The footage shows Ananth trying to swallow chalk pieces after the classes ended
Manish Tiwari: I can’t believe that the college had installed CCTVs in the classrooms. Students shouldn’t be monitored like criminals

Professor: Let me clarify , as soon as I saw this I rushed towards the classroom . He had already swallowed 10 chalks and he threw the 11th at me . He only did this because the canteen was closed and he was feeling really hungry . All he got was indigestion. Instances such as these cannot be treated as suicidal tendencies

Arnab: Nihilistic forecasts that went completely wrong Mr. Professor .
(The human rights activist interrupts)

Arundathi Roy: Arnab , I think that the college is trying to pacify us with evasive answers . He was a vivtim of the brutal aftermath of the degree called ‘Engineering’.I have a poem written by Ananth over here .It once again shows his aversion towards engineering . May I read it aloud?

Arnab: Go ahead
Arundathi Roy: It is called ‘ Daddy I want to become Alexi’ .He wanted to give it to his dad after finishing his degree. Unfortunately , the college murdered him before that


Daddy, I want to become Alexi
now that i have a bachelors degree
i wish to do something that interests me
Daddy , i want to become Alexi
i want to drown myself in music
get drugged in music
play the guitar like no one else did
i want to brood over Bodom
mix and match like Mozart
unravel the secrets of the gifted Gilmour
rip my shirt off in maiden concerts

'and what about a job? 'daddy asked
job with this goddamn degree??
i can always type codes of C
give me 2 years time please
allow me to do something i love
i don't want to become a cyber coolie
i don't want to lead my life like a sissy
daddy i want to become Alexi

'Can i not become Alexi?'daddy asked
you are already above 50
if you leave your job now
mummy is going to beat you up
she'll ask 'Who's going to pay my dry cleaning bills?'
granny will ask 'Who's going to pay for my pills?'


'So what do you suggest me to do?"
go and have some fun
flaunt your hairy legs on a sunday brunch
buy vegetables at big bazaar
watch the news and know what's happening in the Afghan war?'
'And you' daddy asked
'daddy, i want to become Alexi'

Arnab: We are now joined by Ananth’s aunt?
Ma’am, can you please tell us what kind of a boy he was?

Aunt : Children these days are aggressive ,arrogant, impetuous , make nasty decisions but Ananth was a good boy. When his mother told him as a nine year old not to go outside without sunscreen, listened and he could balance a spoon on his nose and stay like that for hours”

Arnab: What plans next ma’am?

Aunt: We will have the best funeral lunch . Dahi vadas , honey cakes . panner butter masala will be there on the menu . Those were the kinds of foods that my nephew liked
( Arnab smacks his lips . in his black suite he looks like a man who was ever ready to barge in to a funeral)

Arnab: Time for a break ladies and gentlemen . On the other side we will have Manish Tiwari and Rajeev Masand giving their points of view

Manish Tiwari: I have a completely different point of view . Forgetting the college and peer pressure there’s another thing which I’d like to throw light up on . Ananth was a peace loving man and a staunch believer of the congress . Strikes , Bandhs for no reason . Dharnas that hampered the progress of the country left him disappointed . I hold the BJP and the left responsible for his death
He had written another poem criticizing these kind of bandhs

One day Rahul told Sonia
“Let’s encourage farmers to implement bund irrigation momma”
A lazy, loutish, underpaid gardener
Stealthily hearing this from the top of a tree
Sent a mail to the leaders of the opposition
Informing them about the latest government policies
Staring seriously in to his old computer was Advani
An outdated version of MS Word 2003
Where words appeared like a lethal combination of
French, Lego blocks and mandarin
(the gardener sent the letter from MS word 2007)
Advani said ‘ah! We need to call a symbologist’
But Robert Langdon was busy in the Vatican city
‘What about a lawyer?’
Everyone was busy working for Lalit Modi
Finally came a cyber police
who had a penchant for silly spellings
after watching the morning show of ‘I hate luv storys’
He came straight to the office of Advani
The dumb cop couldn’t decipher much
Except that he wrongly indentified ‘bund’ as ‘bandh’
‘we need to start a bandh before them’ fumed the leaders of the opposition
finally they called an astrologer
he said ‘ let us toss a coin 10 consecutive times
10 heads and you watch’ Raavan’
Or else you start a bandh’

Arnab: He’s made some mention about some movies over here? What have you got to say Rajeev Masand?

Rajeev Masand : He watched ‘ Neal and Nikki ‘ and thought that it was the best romantic comedy that was ever made . He watched Ram Gopal verma’s movie ‘Darling’ 38 times .
His movie watching pattern was erratic . He would watch 15 mins of the first half of one movie and 20 mins of the second half of another
Later something happened . he watched Dev D . he got addicted to this movie , watched it 7 times . he then watched every Abhay Deol movie . he thought that everyone except the Masai Mars tribes , the desert men and the Eskimos would be rearing to get the first day first show tickets and booked tickets 1 week in advance for ‘Road movie’ only to find 12 people in the theatre . he wondered why the world dint think like him . He began to think if he were too alien in this world , were his thoughts so different from that of the others. Probably all this tensions made him take this extreme step

Later that day , a student from Ananth’s engineering college posts this status update on facebook that has received 7 likes within 3 mins of it being posted
‘ An idiot committed suicide today , we’ve all been asked to shed crocodile tears tomorrow in the condolence meeting to be held failing which we will all be given infraction slips’

Ananth in heaven
I was playing with the fan and the rope ,. I got a little adventurous and before I could even think I was pulled up forever . I am trying hard to jump down . I had finished watching episode number 763 of ‘Kyunki saas bhi kabhi bahu thi’ , 1600+ episodes left . Whoever was that imbecile who taught me that g=9.8 meters/second square and we could come down within the wink of an eye