Inky , Pinky , Ponky

As I wade my way through chaotic traffic and busy roads , looking at people in coffee shops ,wondering what they are discussing and cursing god for making Mondays morose all the time . I then start walking through some quiet lanes and a series of picture postcard memories run through my mind. Today I’ll share with you the immediate things that strike my mind when I think of these words

Love:
To my 2 year old niece (Mumbai)
I first looked at you through the window in the twilight. You were wrapped in that tiny little white towel. 2 years later, you have the face of an angel and you can carry off those mischievous looks so easily. You shall grow up to become the most beautiful women in the world. You will be sun burnt by the glances of men. Don’t tell me that I didn’t warn you about this before

Thanks giving

To Ms. Shiny Wilson (wherever you are)
I still remember the most wonderful looking strawberry ice cream that we drew together . I also remember the way you would pin up important messages to the hanky on the left pocket of my shirt. Thank you ma’am for being my first teacher in school . Now if were to use that clichéd expression What ‘I’m today is all because of your efforts’ would rather look like intended sarcasm . Today I’m hobnobbing between stupid grades and unrealized dreams. One day when I shall be addressing a gathering in some corner of the world I shall dare not forget to mention your name


Affect, effect and influence
The girl who lived in the Western Ghats
The girl who could resuscitate in you the energy of freshly brewed coffee, who when smile her dimples would take the form of a sickle and extend all the way till the ears , she who could tell ‘hmmmm’ and ‘ummmm’ with equal amount of sexiness and sensibility
He then looked at her and spoke for a long time.
She asked “Are you done ? Your lines seem as if they were picked up straight from a hallmark card but it is not what you speak , it is the way you speak that matters to me .Only you know that white tulips make me sneeze and I’m allergic to mango and silk”
He replied “Hmmmm”
I stood there , staring in to the fields of cardamom , staying unusually quiet
He asked “You too want to fall in love?”
I replied “Hmmmmm”

Sense of belongingness
He asked me “how are you feeling today”
I replied “very Bangalore”
Bangalore to different people could mean different things. Cosmopolitan, greediness , beauty , hunger , desire , passion , sleeplessness , smart, witty and intelligent . 21 years in this city and I definitely owe something to this place which I call home. Even if I were air dropped here from an alien land many years later, I wouldn’t have to grope for clues . I’d still know that the best dosas are made at MTR , the best plays happen at the rangashankara , the first satellite arrived on a bullock cart and it was ordered by a company which we today call ‘Texas instruments’ . I studied in the only autonomous school in the country (I’m not referring in a sarcastic manner to my engg college, I did actually study in a autonomous school). Yes autonomy is like a hereditary disease that has been passed on to me from so many generations

Touchwood
The feel of something metal in your hand, the feel of eating a honey cake with the honey meandering all around your tongue, humming your favorite song completely unperturbed by the events going on around you and having a strong feeling that the day is going to be yours, sitting in a bus and hoping that the journey would continue forever

Insanity
Watching a sleeping dog and trying to find out the rate at which it breathes.. I also planned of buying the whole of Greenland and make a hell lot of money by making 30*40 and 40*60 plots . Getting inside a park and watching dew drops trickle down from the tree and thinking that you can be on the title cover of Pink Floyd’s next video. A series of other pervy thoughts creep in to my mind but I don’t wish to share it over here as one day if my blogs were ever made in to a book , it would become difficult for grandmother’s in orthodox areas like Rajasthan and Gujarat to read it out to their grandchildren .(Okay this is the height of insanity!)

Some questions answered and unanswered
This is my own question , no plagiarism of any sort
If GYM : JIMMY
JAM : JAMMY

SWIM : ???

The answer isn’t Swimmy, it is WATERY
Hehehe:)

Coming to the unanswered part
To Munni (in the small little town of U P)
Why do you want to become a zandu balm to chulbul pandey ?
Why not a Aspirin , Crocin or a paracetamol which in addition to curing aches and pains can also be used for fever , cough and cold

Comments , criticism and suggestions invited!!

Just like that

The other day I was chatting with Abhilash . We were discussing about life after college and some crappy stuff like that. I told that after having wasted most of our youth in this college doing nothing, we must do something fun. Then I suddenly came up with this marvelous idea . I suggested that we must have 10 girlfriends . We’ll start this activity when we are 25 years of age and continue till 35. After that we will become eligible to become the president of India (to become the president one must be 35 years ) . So in one term I can become president and he the vice president , in another term we can swap positions and continue like this until we are 65 or 70 . I tried to build the excitement by saying that if either of us became the president we could make India free of corruption , enforce laws , make amendments and on top of all of that the president gets a salary of nearly a lakh + free housing+free groceries+servants+car + invitation to all the big parties/plays/concerts in town . Power is like a seductive mistress. Power makes you humble, gentle or it can also make you greedy and hungry. Abhilash then said that it isn’t good to cheat girls .He wasn’t interested in becoming the president too. He would rather write java scripts, work on some android applications for Google. Okay not a bad idea I thought. If he works for Google, then he’s kindhearted enough to distribute T shirts and other freebies to me . He is also good at winning quizzes so more T shirts every month. Yes, he’s damn good at quizzing. Yesterday he won a quiz contest. So someone asked me as to what I did to which I replied ‘I watched him win’. I imagined that every time I go to the marketplace / reliance fresh for vegetable shopping young kids will look at the Google logo on the shirt and say ‘Here arrives the search engine’ .


After this I had to think of other great ideas. Now this placement thing is really frustrating. Everyone in our college acts super cocky .. Initially when I joined college I thought , I’ll work really hard , become the darling of all the teachers out there, then do a post grad in some Ivy league college , hook up with someone over there , manufacture child prodigies who’ll get their post docs by the age of 18 and we can be on the poster of Karan Johar’s next movie ‘We are an educated family’ . Okay now there’s always Tier 3 na???After I read a few blogs about people in Infosys I got to know that it’s really tough to survive over there. They train you for 3 months and then there’s an elimination process . Those 3 months are going to be like a 9th semester .Even if you manage to get through over there , later they are going to beat the shit out of you


Next idea was suicide. Wow I’m obsessed with this thought of suicide for quite some time now. In fact I first thought about this when I was in class 7 and I read in the newspapers that a boy of class 10 had committed suicide . I thought that if I were to commit suicide at that age , I’d be creating history as the youngest person ever to achieve such a great feat. The sad part was that I wouldn’t be there to watch people shower praises on me for this very brave act . So is suicide an amicable solution??? I’d say NO . You aren’t guaranteed of a seat in heaven .If you fail in your attempts to commit suicide then the police is going to catch hold of you . Going to jail isn’t a cause of major concern or anything but then you’ll have to interact with the goons over there . You won’t have a common topic for discussion . Ever thought if those hardcore criminals would know ‘Why Arnab Goswami always wears a black suite , why not grey , navy blue or off-white?’ . The criminals would be least interested in talking about this


I always feared that my huge body weight would hamper the chances of a perfect suicide and I’s have to end up being paralysed for the rest of my life . I decided to join a gym in these holidays not because it’ would help me in my endeavor of achieving my childhood dream but only because I had nothing else to do in the holidays . Everyone else had gone to IISc , tech majors to do internships/projects .Since the auto fare had been raised to minimum of Rs 17 , I thought travelling expenses will burn a deep hole in my pocket . So I went to the gym .Gyms are of 3 types . The first kind are the kind of one’s which is a birthplace for local goons and rowdies , the second where the middle class morons join thinking that they are going to become the next John Abhraham , the third where John Abraham actually works out . I joined the 2nd type . Here I met an aerobics instructor . I decided to call her ’ Small’ because she looked like one of those thin, short sticks that we use to shoo away street dogs. I never got to know her real name till the end. She suggested that I join aerobics classes . I felt that moving my flabby body ,early in the morning is a very hard task and said that ‘I can always switch on the TV , watch priyanka chopra dancing and dance like that. I don’t require aerobics’ (anyway I wasn’t going to do that). ‘Small’ then started telling about how she quit her work as a project manager in HCL and is flowing her passion in dancing, aerobics / fitness training and she told that everyone should do whatever he or she is interested in.

Inspired by this rather long advise of ‘Small’ , I thought that I should follow my calling and try become a writer/journalist but these jobs don’t guarantee good money and it is difficult to find a job unless you don’t have contacts . So what future plans??


Every problem has a solution , I will marry a techie who is going to make a hell lot of dough . I’ll become a freelance journalist.
I actually worked as a freelance journalist in 4th sem holidays . On the net I met someone who had been assigned a job of churning out articles on some specified topics , she gave me the subcontract for doing this and I actually made 2500 Rs in 20 days . Then this girl started pressurizing me , started giving deadlines and I had other work to do , college started . She dint make the payment on time twice so I stopped working under her . I even threw dung in to her farm and sent a black pig in to her farm on farmville to unleash my anguish .
Yea coming back to this new venture , I’ll become a freelance journalist , sit at home , prepare food ,take care of the kids basically lead a stressful life. Then with my meager earnings we can buy maggi,curds,newspapers, fruits and vegetables whereas with my wife’s earning we can buy other things like villas,luxury apartments and high end cars. If some Women’s empowerment organization members happen to read my blog they’ll come and beat me up . These ‘Naari shakthi zindaabad’ organizations are a group of boisterous women who believe in male bashing. Finally my wife will dump me calling me useless . I’m going to booze , become a faggot and spend whatever money is left with me . Finally I will join some home for the poor and the downtrodden . I’ll suffer from this funny disease called TB where I’ll start coughing all day and night . I’m going to shout ‘Water, Water’ but then no one will bother to listen thinking that this lunatic speaks stupid stuff like this all day long .


At the end when I am mentally preparing myself for a painful lonely death , someone will come and make a movie on my life and it’ll be showcased at Cannes and Oscars and I’ll become a star overnight .I’ll become the new Tulsi Virani of prime time television and young boys will compete against each other in trying to become as depressed as me. Okay enough of narcissism I hate it when optimism creeps in suddenly from nowhere but it kind of makes you happy . This wife who dumped me is going t call me back because of all the money. Now should I go back or not . Life once again poses shitty questions and leaves you in a dilemma!!!!


PS: THANKS for going through this. It is just an amalgamation of random thoughts. It’s been quite some time since I have written something so the ideas are a bit garbled . Comments ,suggestions and criticism invited

Let's discuss food!

I had been to a marriage today. The sad thing about marriages is that the food tastes similar almost everywhere. Every reception has a few stalls and everywhere the menu turns out to be the same . Begins with the soup , flowed by some sweets, a maida disc that people call rumali roti , some off white funny looking liquid with a few pieces of paneer thrown into it , pulav , rice and curd. When the messiahs of south Indian cuisine are asked to prepare a north Indian meal it isn’t going to be good. Innovation is the key to success. People should start trying something new in weddings as we are all sick and tired of the stall system
Okay so let’s talk food, that’s the language I love. Talking about innovation let me give you an example as to how creative you can be . If I was marketing head of all the public toilets in India, I’d come up with this Ad campaign
I went to sulabh souchalay once again
Re 1 to pee , 2 for a pooh
Aha! I thoroughly enjoyed myself in the loo

Yes this is the kind of artistry that I’m looking out for even in the marriage dinners
Talking about the foods I love most ,the first item to top the list would be dahi puri and where else other than SLV corner basvangudi. There’s the masala puri trying to say ‘Hi’ looking casual and clumsy . Then the ubiquitous bhel puri trying to make its presence felt but then it lacks that extra something . in comes the chilled dahi puri , it’s got the zing and it bumps in to you with the loudest ‘Howdy’ asking you to pop it in to your mouth and get ready for a tangy , sweet and spicy journey . A friend of mine calls his girlfriend ‘babloo ‘ , ‘dabloo’ , ‘bujju’,’gujju’ and some stuff like that . I asked him to call his girl ‘dahi puri’ . Everyone on the road can prepare pani puri , bhel puri but it takes milk , bacteria , a fridge and creativity to prepare dahi puri . So that girl is as unique and sweet as dahi puri . He followed my advice and his love life has improved three folds. I love every dish that has a prefix and suffix as dahi . Dahi bhel , chips dahi , dahi batata puri etc. If I had the money I’d build a swimming pool. It be divided in to 4 different pars 1 for dahi , 1 for sweet lassi , 1 part having salt lassi and the last art having set curd.



A little away from SLV is Vidhyarthi Bhavan . the good thing about this hotel that it hasn’t changed much over the past so many years . The pert servers show so much of adroitness in carrying these little golden brown babies . They carry nearly 15 plates at a time . What about the dosas ? Once you put a piece of it in to your mouth , the oil just leaps out of the dosa , hops and pops across ,wets your dry tounge and trickles slowly down the throat in to the stomach . In to the bin goes your chart of calories .You no longer are doing complex arithmetic calculating body mass index. Your canines begin to experience the crispiness of the dosas and the feeling is heavenly



Shifting focus away from Basvangudi , let’s travel to malleshwaram (for those of you who didn’t know malleshwaram and basvangudi together form ‘Malgudi’) .Malleshwaram has an old world charm attached to it . It reminds you of the Bangalore without those extra vowels sandwiched in between , Bangalore that once was called pensioners paradise . Enter Malleshwaram and there’s the fragrance of blossomed wild jasmines on a moist night , the traditional milieu , turmeric sprinkled in the air . Malleshwaram is a mix of old and new . Temple streets , innocent looking stone houses with sloping roofs and some tall buildings that look down upon you
There’s Veena stores too . The idly over here is super spongy . A minimum of a litre of chutney is required as the spongy idli absorbs all of it . Veena stores has learnt the art of making bland food beautiful. It may not have a perfect name that an eatery should but who cares!! Talking about funny names , I still can’t figure out why a GRE institute is called ‘Princeton review’ . I even searched this on the net but efforts went in vain



The best thing to do on a Sunday is to head to KC das . You can spend the whole of your Sunday over here savoring channa bhatura , and traditional Bengali sweets like rasagullas , rasmalai , sohan papdi etc . The breakfast +sweets make this place perfect for a Sunday brunch . It has this Bengali feel to it .With Joy goswami poetry and rabindra sangeet in the background , it’s like Kokata Callong . Off late I’ve been reading a lot of Joy goswami poetry and would recommend it to all of you. Though originally written in Bengali , the translated scripts are available on the internet . It pinches you , wakes you up from your stupor , emotionally stirs you up . Bengali writers have left a deep impact , there’s something special about them be it the passion , the traditions that they describe . Tagore , Upamanyu Chaterjee and recently Kunal Sen have this unique style of story telling . KC Das brings back a lot of memories. I used to visit this shop as a little kid , a time when owning 5 floppy discs was considered to be cool , when I used to run after butterflies not aware that probably 10-15 years later I’d be downloading class notes from the internet


After all this it’s time for tea . The PESIT canteen on the 8th floor serves brilliant tea . I remember a Vir Sanghvi show on TV where he is given to taste about 10 different varieties of tea and he rates them as good , excellent average. Finally based on his ratings they deduce which herbs, spices and leaves best suit his taste and prepare the perfect tea. But believe me , the tea in PESIT canteen is simply too good . With strong winds blowing and you lost in thought staring in to emptiness , the tea just seeps in to your mouth and u can feel it gushing inside making this ‘CHUSSSSS’ sound. Tea makes you feel more enthusiastic and perky . Don’t we all remember the ‘Alchemist’ where the guy goes and serves tea on a mountain top in crystal glasses?


Finally after eating all this food are you people scared . Is it going to be a case of ‘tick tock , heart blocked , arteries clogged , ding dong’.Iis it time to burn calories?? Nah don’t even bother about that . During Janmashtami , they prepare a hell lot of fried stuff and sweets . Does lord Krishna go to the gym and workout after eating all this ? lord Krishna is a hi flyer and binges on all the yummy stuff . Gyms are like theatre . there are fat men , thin men , lean mean and muscular men and everyone has a role to play. Fat men become thin, thin become muscular and muscular men make their biceps touch the ceiling and become fat again and the cycle continues . Don’t become a part of this obnoxious cycle . If someone tells ‘mere paas gaadi hai , bangla hai, naukar hai , bank balance hai. Tumhaare paas kyaa hai?’
You reply ‘Mere paas mummy hai aur bada tummy bhi hai’ height of flippantgiri :)
Go foodie , be born!!!!