Madman talking

It’s one of those gloomy evenings .Hospitals cannot make one feel very happy. For many days now, he has been leading this un catalogued lifestyle .He decides to make a dairy entry
Dear Dairy
I had painkillers for lunch today .Finally a visitor, the 2nd in 3 weeks. The reason for the lack of people visiting me is probably due to the fact that I am not so sociable. This person who visited me was my colleague, my buddy and at least on 3 days a week I genuinely felt that he was the nicest guy in the world. The other days I would feel like splitting his head in to two. This is probably an indication of how erratic my thinking is, how weird my behavior is. Tedium will kill me even before the disease does . To kill boredom I’ve invented a new game , it’s called the game of 3 , whenever I see something or a thought strikes my mind I try to associate 3 immediate things with it . For instance if I had to avoid someone I would come up with 3 possible reasons
1) I won’t be able to come out today. I just want to know what claustrophobia is all about
2) It’s raining outside , if I come out I’ll catch a cold
3) it’s too hot , I may die of an overdose of vitamin D
Then looking at the garden outside and those beautiful flowers
1) I’m reminded of the really long flowers of delphinium that I once saw in the markets of Rishikesh
2) I captured those flowers on this camera that happened to be my first digital camera
3) I had become addicted to this habit of flicking the camera up in air and is it would begin its descend I’d slowly click a picture. Different textures captured ,random, . Rusty shades and hippy textures hop scotching through puffs of dust some lines trying to crane their neck upwards and the eagles in others trying to swoop down, some stories told others going unheard
I thought I was really artistic and belonged to ‘intellectual elite class’ whenever I did all this. Maybe I was faking all this up . I had a heart that would yearn for raunchy stuff . Everything ‘ cheap ,crass and vulgar’ would attract me. Don’t know why , but I loved telling people I had aesthetic tastes . Yeah , I was a terrific liar and I loved being phony
Now , I try being super witty , when asked tell me about yourself I’d say ‘Ask my best friends’
1) Gopal from Bhopal
2) Sweetie from Ooty
3) Ravi from Dharavi
Finally I begin to think of this fictitious who’s been generated out of sheer imagination. What do I name him is the next task
1) Lokesh , this name sounds pretty common , casual . Nicknames associated would be Loki say the globe trotter or Low-key or Lock and key. Nah! This name isn’t going to work
2) Adrian- pronounced AY-dree-an. It is of Latin origin, and the meaning of Adrian is "from Hadria"
a town in northern Italy . Adrian probably sounds too Anglo-Indian . I want something more indigenous
3) Maqbool- This sounds fine , a name of great intrigue meaning ‘accepted’ . Maqbool interests me because every word that starts with a Q has a U following it be it in the case of ‘Quest’ or ‘quench’ or ‘quit’ . the Q in Maqbool has a ‘B’ next to it and the two O’s in the name make it sound really chirpy . I narrow down on Maqbool now


What about Maqbool now? While I deal in 3’s Maqbool deals in 9’s meaning he’s 3 folds better than me . He reads Salinger’s 9 stories ,watches the news at 9. He begins his journey on step no. 81 (8+1=9 , 9*9=81) . Why doesn’t he begin at step no.1
Maybe, he’s well ahead of his time or maybe he feels that life has no perfect starts
Maqbool loves to walk . He loves exploring all the unexplored areas, navigate through urban madness and eerie alleys . He could move panting his way up and then wait for inertia to spur him down. Maqbool would observe everything that came in his path .Looking at a cigarette butt he would imagine joining many of them together to create a maze , a chromosome structure or a labyrinth. He would observe the home of the flower vendor that smelled of wild jasmines on a moist night , he also examined the brownish white walls of the barber’s shop that looked like as if vanilla and chocolate just had a fight , the bottles that were kept in the hierarchical order of their heights . He could sense the air that smelled of cosmetics , conditioners , hair oils and the like having complete disregard for the air outside.
Maqbool can also write erudite poetry . He once wrote a poem wherein a poet walks through the forest , the poet tears the piece of poetry in to tiny bits so that he can trace his path on the way back . Finally the poet says ‘ All that the forest is left with is polythene and all that I’m left with is prose’ . This is the kind of dark humor that Maqbool could delve into.
What happens to Maqbool next? He would probably fall in love with a girl who loves her city , who loves graffiti on the walls , who can talk backwards and interpret complex movies . He probably wouldn't fall in love with silly girls who hug teddy bears , wear 25 different shades of pink , cuddle street dogs and shout at the sight of cockroaches in the bathroom trying to sound incredibly cute .He’d then move to the hills and lead a happy life. Maqbool then becomes the talk of the town , the most affable character ,………………

Wait a second? How is he able to lead such a perfect life ? Is he living in an utopia?
I’m the one who created him , I’m the one who molded him and I’m the one who’s reeling in pain . No one leads a perfect life , no one gets everything so easily
Where would I like to take his story next? Maqbool is killed , Maqbool destroyed .
What would you like to call me? Murderer , Killer?
Call me by my name now . Call me Lokesh , call me Adrian rather call me Maqbool

The Human Canvas

It is 7.30 in the morning and I amble my way across this Muslim ghetto noticing the myriad happenings around me. It is a kind of open air theatre. The little girls and boys getting ready to go to school dressed in their little pink uniforms. Most of them have not been washed for a few days to weeks. The auto driver finally arrives. The eldest kid sits next to him in the front. The little ones get into the auto and sit opposite one another, like they do in an 8 seater Maruti Omni. The make shift wooden plank will soon be removed and the auto-man will continue to provide custom made trips for the richer crowd across the city.

Welcome to the other side of Bangalore, far away from the elitist colonies, the big IT hubs, the huge shopping malls , grand apartment blocks which stand high ,and where luxury cars sally heedlessly past, may be with lot of arrogance and a little bit of conceit. Here is a colony that is unaffected by all this and you still experience that old world charm. There is that ‘PURE VHEJ’ hotel next to the ‘MUGHLAI KITCHEN’. People here do not discuss the politics of Ayodhya or the Sachar committee report . For them it is the question of survival, day to day living and earning to provide the next meal. Secularism either by force or by choice exists here and it is wonderfully heartening to see this.

And yes, there is the stink arising from the appalling filth scattered around, the open gutters with a hundred million things floating in its vortex. Come Friday and you are greeted by men in spotless white kurtas, and embroidered white skull caps going for their prayers. The attar also does the talking, its overwhelming aroma wanting to bog down the all pervading stink. After prayers everyone gathers around Karim’s tea-shop. It isn’t your Café Coffee Day or the lounge area of Starbucks. It is a humble tiny shop with some verses of Koran written on one of the walls. Every morning I see around forty people flocking this shop to have tea and bun for Rs 5/- There is still that old analog telephone, an instrument in which you have to dip your index finger and turn it in a clockwise direction to make a call. I vividly remember the day when the boy who runs this place offered me free tea as it was his birthday. I was a little reluctant at first, repelled by the lack of hygiene of this place but the magnanimity of the offer made me shed my inhibitions and I accepted the tea. It was delicious. I don’t know if Karim’s Tea shop has a fan following on the global phenomenon called Facebook, nor do I know if it contained 4 herbs or half a dozen masalas in minute measured quantities and the care that went into the brewing of the ‘custom made tea’ the ultimate in luxury for Vir sanghvi ‘of NDTV goodtimes fame, nevertheless it broke all mental blocks and physical barriers that divide us. Sandwiched in between these tea shops, and the veg and no so veg hotels are those teeny weeny shops which you wouldn’t notice if you were driving at little more than 20 kms/hr. You get all sorts of knick knacks- safety pins, mouse traps, rubber bands to name a few. There are other shops that sell ‘Nippat’ and ‘Mysorepak’ at 1 Re a piece. You see everyone has to make a living!

One day the road is closed due to laying of pipes. I am forced to take a detour through the by lanes. I become a little adventurous and try to explore this place even more. One lane leads to another into a maze of sorts and finally you feel like you have ended up in a labyrinth. The narrow lanes resemble a blasted moonscape with large craters. The dingy alleys open up a Pandora’s Box of snapshots, where you get to know how human beings survive. On one road there are men who exercise their brawn power to cut the rods of steel and carry huge iron boxes. There is loud Sufi music being played in a garage from a stereo that belongs to the era bygone, ten year old kids, to the owner who is probably in his mid 30s pump up the adrenaline within their bodies as they disappear underneath the monster of an SUV to unscrew various parts and figure out the source of the trouble. Cardboard box like houses are stacked one on top of the other with utter disregard for the laws of Physics. Houses are built on sites of various dimensions, some big, some small the some others 3 stories tall all shapes and sizes,all of which would put Euclidian Geometry to shame. A photograph of the top view of these buildings would probably look like the arrangement of Lego Blocks by an adventurous kid who is handling it for the first time. A peep inside these houses makes you realize that there are 6 to 7 people inside a 10ft*10ft house. They may lack the basic amenities like water or sanitation but the ubiquitous colour television is present.

I finally trace my way back to the main road. I notice that the old man who used to beg on the streets all these days has now become an astrologer. He has a few cards, a parrot and a cage. Though this may not be a perfect definition of career progression, it is definitely a more dignified career option .I don’t believe in astrology but I go and sit in front of him and press a Rs 5/- note into his hands and don’t bother to know what the card picked up by the parrot has in store for me.
The morning will become noon and noon will progress into twilight, the neon bulbs will be switched on, the men who worked hard all day will go home to rest, the idiot box will continue to broadcast yummy crap. I too sleep hoping that tomorrow will present a more optimistic picture, more stories of survival and hope, more grit and determination from the people of this place, who will one day carve out a niche for themselves.

Definetly Arnab

Arnab Goswami replaced Pikachu as the weirdest character on Indian television . Second on the list was Nakusha (aka Nakku) . Pikachu was disappointed as he had to move 3 slots below the numero uno position that he held till date. When asked about how he felt on winning this prestigious award Arnab replied ‘The competition was very stiff , but my black suits did better than her dark skin. No offences meant . I am a huge fan of Nakku and it gives me Goosebumps when I watch a serial where women wake up in silk sarees and a gun in their hands.She has done a wonderful thing by marrying a local goon .Go for the kill girl!’ .

This day went down in history as a ‘Black day’ and Arnab celebrated it with Black forest cakes , black coffee and black current ice creams. Congratulatory messages were pouring in on Arnab’s facebook page and the Times Now website .For the first time in a month or so the TCS placement website dint show the famous ‘system under heavy load’ sign. An elated Ratan Tata sarcastically said ‘ Students had pinched , punched and squeezed our website . It’s finally got some time to recover. Thank you Arnab for providing some space on the net where students can park their asses’

Sashi Taroor tweeted ‘Kudos Amigo Arnab . I stumbled upon your channel by chance and watching you cover the news was like watching porn for the first time . It changed my life completely’ . The BJP spokesperson Ravi Shankar Prasad quickly reacted saying that ‘This is a very cheap , vulgar and very gay statement written with prurient interest and will do great harm to the nation’. An emergency meeting was held at 10 Janpath . Sonia, PM , Chidambaram , Pranab Mukherje , A K Antony , Manish tiwari arrived for this meeting . After 4 large pizzas , bottles of Gatorade , lots of Mishti Dahi , 3 games of housie housie and 7 hrs 43 mins of discussion they finally came to a conclusion . Speaking to the media Manish Tiwari had only 2 lines to say ‘Sahi Taroor has a very lousy sense of humor . Read his jokes at your own risk’

Meanwhile , the queue outside Arnab’s office had increased exponentially . The big boss inmates were allowed to have a quick darshan of Arnab. Mamata Banerjee had stood in the queue for nearly 4 hours . She then went to the loo .Mayawathi who was standing way behind illegally occupied her position . When Mamata finally came back a fight broke out between the two. What went on is as follows
Mamata: You came and occupied my position. How dare you so that?
Maya: Oh! Stop making silly allegations against me you silly girl
Mamata: A fat stomach never breeds fine thoughts.
Maya: You called me fat eh? Look at yourself you derailed train
Mamata: Shut up fluffy pig
Mamata pulled Maya’s hair
Mamata: What a hopeless haircut is this, you hair looks like a thin blade of grass in the middle of a desert
Maya: Yours is like that of a bunch of coriander leaves sold in the market for Rs 2
Mamata: You talk as though yours is like that of Jairam Ramesh's


Sashi taroor tweeted again ‘Watching the live coverage on TV , I must admit Mamata looks wonderful in spikes’ . The BJP accused Sashi of doing this in an attempt to woo Maya and collect more funds for the Kochi IPL team

For the first time in a decade or so , Arnab had to face the questions from prominent personalities from all walks of life . Questions on a wide range of topics which included his early education days , his life as a reporter , an anchor , passion for news , his hobbies , games that he plays etc
Suresh Kalmadi who was standing in the queue asked Arnab ‘Why was sea water salty?’ Aranb was in a state of shock . Kalmadi was happy that he could embarrass the man who had beaten the shit out of him in full public view. Arnab did not give up . He replied


‘When income tax officials came running behind
Mr. Koda drove to the sea shore in his skoda
to god he prayed “Life isn’t at its usual ease
please bring back all the peace”
God gifted him a magic wand
Soon, his aides came in Audis and Ferraris
and brought along with them pots of money
Koda , the poster boy of the world of crooks
The wand in his hand, he shook
Surprise!! Surprise!!!
All his processions turned in to salt
and in order to leave no trace of anything
“I will put everything back to the sea” Koda thought

Even today , Mr Koda is pouring the slat back in to the sea . This explains why sea water is salty’
‘The same thing is going to happen to you Mr Kalmadi ‘ he said with a wicked wink
All the journalists were stunned . Parle G manufacturers impressed by Arnab’s wit , timing and sense of humor offered him a million dollars to have his face on their biscuit packet wrappers

The story of the slow boy

A generation where cornflakes where thrown in to a bowl of milk
and in the oven rotated packets of ‘ Ready to Eat’
Yet he liked to ogle at the golden brown dosa
finally break it, dip it in coconut chutney
feel the milky , juicy lubricant gushing in
And finally exclaim ‘Ah Calories!’
He counted the hundred and fifty steps he had to climb up in college
At every 25th stood the security
Six different guards at each level
Six different songs he would hum daily
Six times he would move his brush towards the left and right cheek
Until his teeth would vibrate due to the beauty of the ‘six symmetry’
He loved everything associated with 6
though 5 was midway between 1 and 10
it lacked the charm that 6 processed
5 was a multiple of 10
10 made people hungry , 100 made them greedy
1000 was enough to turn the world upside down
A few more zeros to the right and everyone would go berserk
He loved to talk about the revolution of Che
About Cuba and the birth of communism
About unequally divided equality
He liked to look at all the gigantic buildings
Not because they were engineering marvels
Not because their architecture was a topic of great intrigue
Only because , one day he could climb up and feel the sweat rushing through his body
Look at the pinnacle and tell the world
‘I too was there once’


And then a strong wind blew
He too moved like everyone else
he too started loving 5
for it was right in the middle
he too ate with 2 fingers
the other 8 , he used it in so called multitasking
he cursed god for not providing a 11th one
when it was too late
and legs too weak to stand erect
he said ‘how I wish , the wind hadn’t blown’

Almost Arnab

Arnab : 4 months after he was born , Rajeev Gandhi died . The year he was born , the Berlin wall collapsed , Union Carbide had agreed to pay $470 million as relief to the Bhopal Gas tragedy victims but it never happened . Communism spread in the Soviet Union after the cold war ended .

21 years later, he hung himself to death. Welcome to the Newshour tonight . Yesterday Ananth died under mysterious circumstances leaving no suicide note behind. To discuss about the possible reasons behind his death we have with us Arundathi Roy representing the national human rights commission , Manish Tiwari Congress spokesperson , a professor from his college , Rajeev Masand noted film critic . Your views Arundathi

Arundathi Roy: He did not leave behind any note. This is probably an indication of how frustrated he was copying notes in his college. The college had started to pressurize him too much and he couldn’t take all that. His friends included Rajesh , Shreyas , Anirudh to name a few who never took up a sport in their lives , who never bunked a day of college ,who knew “Python” before Anaconda released , who had a dictionary in their hand and America in their eyes . These were the kind of sad circumstances amidst which he had to live . Ananth also had to climb 8 floors every day to get to his classroom . This is the height of torture Arnab

Arnab : Mr. professor , would you like to react to that ? 8 floors daily. What do you have to say?
Professor: Since he was a student of telecommunication engineering, we wanted him to stay as close as possible to technology . Students were assigned the room on the 8th floor so that he could feel and experience the power of UV rays and high tension wires from as close a distance as possible

Arnab: Point justified but we have some CCTV footage from your college that says something else. The footage shows Ananth trying to swallow chalk pieces after the classes ended
Manish Tiwari: I can’t believe that the college had installed CCTVs in the classrooms. Students shouldn’t be monitored like criminals

Professor: Let me clarify , as soon as I saw this I rushed towards the classroom . He had already swallowed 10 chalks and he threw the 11th at me . He only did this because the canteen was closed and he was feeling really hungry . All he got was indigestion. Instances such as these cannot be treated as suicidal tendencies

Arnab: Nihilistic forecasts that went completely wrong Mr. Professor .
(The human rights activist interrupts)

Arundathi Roy: Arnab , I think that the college is trying to pacify us with evasive answers . He was a vivtim of the brutal aftermath of the degree called ‘Engineering’.I have a poem written by Ananth over here .It once again shows his aversion towards engineering . May I read it aloud?

Arnab: Go ahead
Arundathi Roy: It is called ‘ Daddy I want to become Alexi’ .He wanted to give it to his dad after finishing his degree. Unfortunately , the college murdered him before that


Daddy, I want to become Alexi
now that i have a bachelors degree
i wish to do something that interests me
Daddy , i want to become Alexi
i want to drown myself in music
get drugged in music
play the guitar like no one else did
i want to brood over Bodom
mix and match like Mozart
unravel the secrets of the gifted Gilmour
rip my shirt off in maiden concerts

'and what about a job? 'daddy asked
job with this goddamn degree??
i can always type codes of C
give me 2 years time please
allow me to do something i love
i don't want to become a cyber coolie
i don't want to lead my life like a sissy
daddy i want to become Alexi

'Can i not become Alexi?'daddy asked
you are already above 50
if you leave your job now
mummy is going to beat you up
she'll ask 'Who's going to pay my dry cleaning bills?'
granny will ask 'Who's going to pay for my pills?'


'So what do you suggest me to do?"
go and have some fun
flaunt your hairy legs on a sunday brunch
buy vegetables at big bazaar
watch the news and know what's happening in the Afghan war?'
'And you' daddy asked
'daddy, i want to become Alexi'

Arnab: We are now joined by Ananth’s aunt?
Ma’am, can you please tell us what kind of a boy he was?

Aunt : Children these days are aggressive ,arrogant, impetuous , make nasty decisions but Ananth was a good boy. When his mother told him as a nine year old not to go outside without sunscreen, listened and he could balance a spoon on his nose and stay like that for hours”

Arnab: What plans next ma’am?

Aunt: We will have the best funeral lunch . Dahi vadas , honey cakes . panner butter masala will be there on the menu . Those were the kinds of foods that my nephew liked
( Arnab smacks his lips . in his black suite he looks like a man who was ever ready to barge in to a funeral)

Arnab: Time for a break ladies and gentlemen . On the other side we will have Manish Tiwari and Rajeev Masand giving their points of view

Manish Tiwari: I have a completely different point of view . Forgetting the college and peer pressure there’s another thing which I’d like to throw light up on . Ananth was a peace loving man and a staunch believer of the congress . Strikes , Bandhs for no reason . Dharnas that hampered the progress of the country left him disappointed . I hold the BJP and the left responsible for his death
He had written another poem criticizing these kind of bandhs

One day Rahul told Sonia
“Let’s encourage farmers to implement bund irrigation momma”
A lazy, loutish, underpaid gardener
Stealthily hearing this from the top of a tree
Sent a mail to the leaders of the opposition
Informing them about the latest government policies
Staring seriously in to his old computer was Advani
An outdated version of MS Word 2003
Where words appeared like a lethal combination of
French, Lego blocks and mandarin
(the gardener sent the letter from MS word 2007)
Advani said ‘ah! We need to call a symbologist’
But Robert Langdon was busy in the Vatican city
‘What about a lawyer?’
Everyone was busy working for Lalit Modi
Finally came a cyber police
who had a penchant for silly spellings
after watching the morning show of ‘I hate luv storys’
He came straight to the office of Advani
The dumb cop couldn’t decipher much
Except that he wrongly indentified ‘bund’ as ‘bandh’
‘we need to start a bandh before them’ fumed the leaders of the opposition
finally they called an astrologer
he said ‘ let us toss a coin 10 consecutive times
10 heads and you watch’ Raavan’
Or else you start a bandh’

Arnab: He’s made some mention about some movies over here? What have you got to say Rajeev Masand?

Rajeev Masand : He watched ‘ Neal and Nikki ‘ and thought that it was the best romantic comedy that was ever made . He watched Ram Gopal verma’s movie ‘Darling’ 38 times .
His movie watching pattern was erratic . He would watch 15 mins of the first half of one movie and 20 mins of the second half of another
Later something happened . he watched Dev D . he got addicted to this movie , watched it 7 times . he then watched every Abhay Deol movie . he thought that everyone except the Masai Mars tribes , the desert men and the Eskimos would be rearing to get the first day first show tickets and booked tickets 1 week in advance for ‘Road movie’ only to find 12 people in the theatre . he wondered why the world dint think like him . He began to think if he were too alien in this world , were his thoughts so different from that of the others. Probably all this tensions made him take this extreme step

Later that day , a student from Ananth’s engineering college posts this status update on facebook that has received 7 likes within 3 mins of it being posted
‘ An idiot committed suicide today , we’ve all been asked to shed crocodile tears tomorrow in the condolence meeting to be held failing which we will all be given infraction slips’

Ananth in heaven
I was playing with the fan and the rope ,. I got a little adventurous and before I could even think I was pulled up forever . I am trying hard to jump down . I had finished watching episode number 763 of ‘Kyunki saas bhi kabhi bahu thi’ , 1600+ episodes left . Whoever was that imbecile who taught me that g=9.8 meters/second square and we could come down within the wink of an eye

Inky , Pinky , Ponky

As I wade my way through chaotic traffic and busy roads , looking at people in coffee shops ,wondering what they are discussing and cursing god for making Mondays morose all the time . I then start walking through some quiet lanes and a series of picture postcard memories run through my mind. Today I’ll share with you the immediate things that strike my mind when I think of these words

Love:
To my 2 year old niece (Mumbai)
I first looked at you through the window in the twilight. You were wrapped in that tiny little white towel. 2 years later, you have the face of an angel and you can carry off those mischievous looks so easily. You shall grow up to become the most beautiful women in the world. You will be sun burnt by the glances of men. Don’t tell me that I didn’t warn you about this before

Thanks giving

To Ms. Shiny Wilson (wherever you are)
I still remember the most wonderful looking strawberry ice cream that we drew together . I also remember the way you would pin up important messages to the hanky on the left pocket of my shirt. Thank you ma’am for being my first teacher in school . Now if were to use that clichéd expression What ‘I’m today is all because of your efforts’ would rather look like intended sarcasm . Today I’m hobnobbing between stupid grades and unrealized dreams. One day when I shall be addressing a gathering in some corner of the world I shall dare not forget to mention your name


Affect, effect and influence
The girl who lived in the Western Ghats
The girl who could resuscitate in you the energy of freshly brewed coffee, who when smile her dimples would take the form of a sickle and extend all the way till the ears , she who could tell ‘hmmmm’ and ‘ummmm’ with equal amount of sexiness and sensibility
He then looked at her and spoke for a long time.
She asked “Are you done ? Your lines seem as if they were picked up straight from a hallmark card but it is not what you speak , it is the way you speak that matters to me .Only you know that white tulips make me sneeze and I’m allergic to mango and silk”
He replied “Hmmmm”
I stood there , staring in to the fields of cardamom , staying unusually quiet
He asked “You too want to fall in love?”
I replied “Hmmmmm”

Sense of belongingness
He asked me “how are you feeling today”
I replied “very Bangalore”
Bangalore to different people could mean different things. Cosmopolitan, greediness , beauty , hunger , desire , passion , sleeplessness , smart, witty and intelligent . 21 years in this city and I definitely owe something to this place which I call home. Even if I were air dropped here from an alien land many years later, I wouldn’t have to grope for clues . I’d still know that the best dosas are made at MTR , the best plays happen at the rangashankara , the first satellite arrived on a bullock cart and it was ordered by a company which we today call ‘Texas instruments’ . I studied in the only autonomous school in the country (I’m not referring in a sarcastic manner to my engg college, I did actually study in a autonomous school). Yes autonomy is like a hereditary disease that has been passed on to me from so many generations

Touchwood
The feel of something metal in your hand, the feel of eating a honey cake with the honey meandering all around your tongue, humming your favorite song completely unperturbed by the events going on around you and having a strong feeling that the day is going to be yours, sitting in a bus and hoping that the journey would continue forever

Insanity
Watching a sleeping dog and trying to find out the rate at which it breathes.. I also planned of buying the whole of Greenland and make a hell lot of money by making 30*40 and 40*60 plots . Getting inside a park and watching dew drops trickle down from the tree and thinking that you can be on the title cover of Pink Floyd’s next video. A series of other pervy thoughts creep in to my mind but I don’t wish to share it over here as one day if my blogs were ever made in to a book , it would become difficult for grandmother’s in orthodox areas like Rajasthan and Gujarat to read it out to their grandchildren .(Okay this is the height of insanity!)

Some questions answered and unanswered
This is my own question , no plagiarism of any sort
If GYM : JIMMY
JAM : JAMMY

SWIM : ???

The answer isn’t Swimmy, it is WATERY
Hehehe:)

Coming to the unanswered part
To Munni (in the small little town of U P)
Why do you want to become a zandu balm to chulbul pandey ?
Why not a Aspirin , Crocin or a paracetamol which in addition to curing aches and pains can also be used for fever , cough and cold

Comments , criticism and suggestions invited!!

Just like that

The other day I was chatting with Abhilash . We were discussing about life after college and some crappy stuff like that. I told that after having wasted most of our youth in this college doing nothing, we must do something fun. Then I suddenly came up with this marvelous idea . I suggested that we must have 10 girlfriends . We’ll start this activity when we are 25 years of age and continue till 35. After that we will become eligible to become the president of India (to become the president one must be 35 years ) . So in one term I can become president and he the vice president , in another term we can swap positions and continue like this until we are 65 or 70 . I tried to build the excitement by saying that if either of us became the president we could make India free of corruption , enforce laws , make amendments and on top of all of that the president gets a salary of nearly a lakh + free housing+free groceries+servants+car + invitation to all the big parties/plays/concerts in town . Power is like a seductive mistress. Power makes you humble, gentle or it can also make you greedy and hungry. Abhilash then said that it isn’t good to cheat girls .He wasn’t interested in becoming the president too. He would rather write java scripts, work on some android applications for Google. Okay not a bad idea I thought. If he works for Google, then he’s kindhearted enough to distribute T shirts and other freebies to me . He is also good at winning quizzes so more T shirts every month. Yes, he’s damn good at quizzing. Yesterday he won a quiz contest. So someone asked me as to what I did to which I replied ‘I watched him win’. I imagined that every time I go to the marketplace / reliance fresh for vegetable shopping young kids will look at the Google logo on the shirt and say ‘Here arrives the search engine’ .


After this I had to think of other great ideas. Now this placement thing is really frustrating. Everyone in our college acts super cocky .. Initially when I joined college I thought , I’ll work really hard , become the darling of all the teachers out there, then do a post grad in some Ivy league college , hook up with someone over there , manufacture child prodigies who’ll get their post docs by the age of 18 and we can be on the poster of Karan Johar’s next movie ‘We are an educated family’ . Okay now there’s always Tier 3 na???After I read a few blogs about people in Infosys I got to know that it’s really tough to survive over there. They train you for 3 months and then there’s an elimination process . Those 3 months are going to be like a 9th semester .Even if you manage to get through over there , later they are going to beat the shit out of you


Next idea was suicide. Wow I’m obsessed with this thought of suicide for quite some time now. In fact I first thought about this when I was in class 7 and I read in the newspapers that a boy of class 10 had committed suicide . I thought that if I were to commit suicide at that age , I’d be creating history as the youngest person ever to achieve such a great feat. The sad part was that I wouldn’t be there to watch people shower praises on me for this very brave act . So is suicide an amicable solution??? I’d say NO . You aren’t guaranteed of a seat in heaven .If you fail in your attempts to commit suicide then the police is going to catch hold of you . Going to jail isn’t a cause of major concern or anything but then you’ll have to interact with the goons over there . You won’t have a common topic for discussion . Ever thought if those hardcore criminals would know ‘Why Arnab Goswami always wears a black suite , why not grey , navy blue or off-white?’ . The criminals would be least interested in talking about this


I always feared that my huge body weight would hamper the chances of a perfect suicide and I’s have to end up being paralysed for the rest of my life . I decided to join a gym in these holidays not because it’ would help me in my endeavor of achieving my childhood dream but only because I had nothing else to do in the holidays . Everyone else had gone to IISc , tech majors to do internships/projects .Since the auto fare had been raised to minimum of Rs 17 , I thought travelling expenses will burn a deep hole in my pocket . So I went to the gym .Gyms are of 3 types . The first kind are the kind of one’s which is a birthplace for local goons and rowdies , the second where the middle class morons join thinking that they are going to become the next John Abhraham , the third where John Abraham actually works out . I joined the 2nd type . Here I met an aerobics instructor . I decided to call her ’ Small’ because she looked like one of those thin, short sticks that we use to shoo away street dogs. I never got to know her real name till the end. She suggested that I join aerobics classes . I felt that moving my flabby body ,early in the morning is a very hard task and said that ‘I can always switch on the TV , watch priyanka chopra dancing and dance like that. I don’t require aerobics’ (anyway I wasn’t going to do that). ‘Small’ then started telling about how she quit her work as a project manager in HCL and is flowing her passion in dancing, aerobics / fitness training and she told that everyone should do whatever he or she is interested in.

Inspired by this rather long advise of ‘Small’ , I thought that I should follow my calling and try become a writer/journalist but these jobs don’t guarantee good money and it is difficult to find a job unless you don’t have contacts . So what future plans??


Every problem has a solution , I will marry a techie who is going to make a hell lot of dough . I’ll become a freelance journalist.
I actually worked as a freelance journalist in 4th sem holidays . On the net I met someone who had been assigned a job of churning out articles on some specified topics , she gave me the subcontract for doing this and I actually made 2500 Rs in 20 days . Then this girl started pressurizing me , started giving deadlines and I had other work to do , college started . She dint make the payment on time twice so I stopped working under her . I even threw dung in to her farm and sent a black pig in to her farm on farmville to unleash my anguish .
Yea coming back to this new venture , I’ll become a freelance journalist , sit at home , prepare food ,take care of the kids basically lead a stressful life. Then with my meager earnings we can buy maggi,curds,newspapers, fruits and vegetables whereas with my wife’s earning we can buy other things like villas,luxury apartments and high end cars. If some Women’s empowerment organization members happen to read my blog they’ll come and beat me up . These ‘Naari shakthi zindaabad’ organizations are a group of boisterous women who believe in male bashing. Finally my wife will dump me calling me useless . I’m going to booze , become a faggot and spend whatever money is left with me . Finally I will join some home for the poor and the downtrodden . I’ll suffer from this funny disease called TB where I’ll start coughing all day and night . I’m going to shout ‘Water, Water’ but then no one will bother to listen thinking that this lunatic speaks stupid stuff like this all day long .


At the end when I am mentally preparing myself for a painful lonely death , someone will come and make a movie on my life and it’ll be showcased at Cannes and Oscars and I’ll become a star overnight .I’ll become the new Tulsi Virani of prime time television and young boys will compete against each other in trying to become as depressed as me. Okay enough of narcissism I hate it when optimism creeps in suddenly from nowhere but it kind of makes you happy . This wife who dumped me is going t call me back because of all the money. Now should I go back or not . Life once again poses shitty questions and leaves you in a dilemma!!!!


PS: THANKS for going through this. It is just an amalgamation of random thoughts. It’s been quite some time since I have written something so the ideas are a bit garbled . Comments ,suggestions and criticism invited

Let's discuss food!

I had been to a marriage today. The sad thing about marriages is that the food tastes similar almost everywhere. Every reception has a few stalls and everywhere the menu turns out to be the same . Begins with the soup , flowed by some sweets, a maida disc that people call rumali roti , some off white funny looking liquid with a few pieces of paneer thrown into it , pulav , rice and curd. When the messiahs of south Indian cuisine are asked to prepare a north Indian meal it isn’t going to be good. Innovation is the key to success. People should start trying something new in weddings as we are all sick and tired of the stall system
Okay so let’s talk food, that’s the language I love. Talking about innovation let me give you an example as to how creative you can be . If I was marketing head of all the public toilets in India, I’d come up with this Ad campaign
I went to sulabh souchalay once again
Re 1 to pee , 2 for a pooh
Aha! I thoroughly enjoyed myself in the loo

Yes this is the kind of artistry that I’m looking out for even in the marriage dinners
Talking about the foods I love most ,the first item to top the list would be dahi puri and where else other than SLV corner basvangudi. There’s the masala puri trying to say ‘Hi’ looking casual and clumsy . Then the ubiquitous bhel puri trying to make its presence felt but then it lacks that extra something . in comes the chilled dahi puri , it’s got the zing and it bumps in to you with the loudest ‘Howdy’ asking you to pop it in to your mouth and get ready for a tangy , sweet and spicy journey . A friend of mine calls his girlfriend ‘babloo ‘ , ‘dabloo’ , ‘bujju’,’gujju’ and some stuff like that . I asked him to call his girl ‘dahi puri’ . Everyone on the road can prepare pani puri , bhel puri but it takes milk , bacteria , a fridge and creativity to prepare dahi puri . So that girl is as unique and sweet as dahi puri . He followed my advice and his love life has improved three folds. I love every dish that has a prefix and suffix as dahi . Dahi bhel , chips dahi , dahi batata puri etc. If I had the money I’d build a swimming pool. It be divided in to 4 different pars 1 for dahi , 1 for sweet lassi , 1 part having salt lassi and the last art having set curd.



A little away from SLV is Vidhyarthi Bhavan . the good thing about this hotel that it hasn’t changed much over the past so many years . The pert servers show so much of adroitness in carrying these little golden brown babies . They carry nearly 15 plates at a time . What about the dosas ? Once you put a piece of it in to your mouth , the oil just leaps out of the dosa , hops and pops across ,wets your dry tounge and trickles slowly down the throat in to the stomach . In to the bin goes your chart of calories .You no longer are doing complex arithmetic calculating body mass index. Your canines begin to experience the crispiness of the dosas and the feeling is heavenly



Shifting focus away from Basvangudi , let’s travel to malleshwaram (for those of you who didn’t know malleshwaram and basvangudi together form ‘Malgudi’) .Malleshwaram has an old world charm attached to it . It reminds you of the Bangalore without those extra vowels sandwiched in between , Bangalore that once was called pensioners paradise . Enter Malleshwaram and there’s the fragrance of blossomed wild jasmines on a moist night , the traditional milieu , turmeric sprinkled in the air . Malleshwaram is a mix of old and new . Temple streets , innocent looking stone houses with sloping roofs and some tall buildings that look down upon you
There’s Veena stores too . The idly over here is super spongy . A minimum of a litre of chutney is required as the spongy idli absorbs all of it . Veena stores has learnt the art of making bland food beautiful. It may not have a perfect name that an eatery should but who cares!! Talking about funny names , I still can’t figure out why a GRE institute is called ‘Princeton review’ . I even searched this on the net but efforts went in vain



The best thing to do on a Sunday is to head to KC das . You can spend the whole of your Sunday over here savoring channa bhatura , and traditional Bengali sweets like rasagullas , rasmalai , sohan papdi etc . The breakfast +sweets make this place perfect for a Sunday brunch . It has this Bengali feel to it .With Joy goswami poetry and rabindra sangeet in the background , it’s like Kokata Callong . Off late I’ve been reading a lot of Joy goswami poetry and would recommend it to all of you. Though originally written in Bengali , the translated scripts are available on the internet . It pinches you , wakes you up from your stupor , emotionally stirs you up . Bengali writers have left a deep impact , there’s something special about them be it the passion , the traditions that they describe . Tagore , Upamanyu Chaterjee and recently Kunal Sen have this unique style of story telling . KC Das brings back a lot of memories. I used to visit this shop as a little kid , a time when owning 5 floppy discs was considered to be cool , when I used to run after butterflies not aware that probably 10-15 years later I’d be downloading class notes from the internet


After all this it’s time for tea . The PESIT canteen on the 8th floor serves brilliant tea . I remember a Vir Sanghvi show on TV where he is given to taste about 10 different varieties of tea and he rates them as good , excellent average. Finally based on his ratings they deduce which herbs, spices and leaves best suit his taste and prepare the perfect tea. But believe me , the tea in PESIT canteen is simply too good . With strong winds blowing and you lost in thought staring in to emptiness , the tea just seeps in to your mouth and u can feel it gushing inside making this ‘CHUSSSSS’ sound. Tea makes you feel more enthusiastic and perky . Don’t we all remember the ‘Alchemist’ where the guy goes and serves tea on a mountain top in crystal glasses?


Finally after eating all this food are you people scared . Is it going to be a case of ‘tick tock , heart blocked , arteries clogged , ding dong’.Iis it time to burn calories?? Nah don’t even bother about that . During Janmashtami , they prepare a hell lot of fried stuff and sweets . Does lord Krishna go to the gym and workout after eating all this ? lord Krishna is a hi flyer and binges on all the yummy stuff . Gyms are like theatre . there are fat men , thin men , lean mean and muscular men and everyone has a role to play. Fat men become thin, thin become muscular and muscular men make their biceps touch the ceiling and become fat again and the cycle continues . Don’t become a part of this obnoxious cycle . If someone tells ‘mere paas gaadi hai , bangla hai, naukar hai , bank balance hai. Tumhaare paas kyaa hai?’
You reply ‘Mere paas mummy hai aur bada tummy bhi hai’ height of flippantgiri :)
Go foodie , be born!!!!

Looney talks

Well , if you are looking for something intriguing , humorous and fun then please go away . I f you want something sensational watch Aaj Tak . This blog is pretty boring, it’s not sad but it’s just about some stupid conversation on facebook that I had with my friend. This is just a manifestation of ramblings of an indolent mind.
If you still wish to read this then you are my kind and have a strong liking for pedestrian humor and tacky jokes. Yesterday night I was talking to my friend Anni and this is how the conversation continued


Anni: hi
Me: hi
Anni: So how boring is your life as of now?
Me: don’t ask the obvious, let’s speak something different
Whenever I am feeling low, I have devised a new mechanism to keep myself happy .i start wearing high heels . Okay this is just an example of many such bad jokes that are going to follow. On a more serious note, whenever I am depressed, I draw the picture of a train with a happy face and oval eyes that are half shaded. I first drew this picture in class 5 and my artistic haven’t improved ever since then. Okay, this blog isn’t going to talk about depressing stuff . Let’s get ahead with the conversation


Anni : what did you do today?
Me: Nothing much , I shaved and went to Dharmesh’s office
Anni: Who is Dharmesh?
Me: Even I dint know him until I met him toda
Anni: What the hell?
Me: Dharmesh is the guy who fixes computer problems . I dint know him until he gave a visiting card that read ‘Dharmesh’ in big bold letters . I only knew the name of his shop ‘Classic computer links’. He started with a shop that looked like a tiny beedi shop and today he has a whole floor for himself. He assembles computers, repairs them and has even employed 3 to 4 people
Anni: Wow inspirational (in a very sarcastic manner I suppose)
Me : What did you do today
Anni: I had a haircut
Me: Wonderful, in the computerized haircutting saloon eh?
Anni: No , in classic .(Classic men’s saloon) . The computerized haircutting saloon is damn stupid . They give you a normal haircut and only the bill is computer generated
( I wasn’t going to believe Anni)
Pestered him further
Me: Why are you so reluctant to adapt yourself to modern technology? Why have an age old haircut
Anni: It’s a new style , moderately cut in the middle and trimmed along the sides

Me: It’s called the Veg cut . I used to have it in class 6 . There’s another one where they cut your hair in the shape of a fountain . That is the mushroom cut

Anni: Can we stop discussing about Dharmesh and haircuts
Me: Okay
Anni: How bright do you think your career is going to be
Me: Don’t know , unless I go to Norway or any of the Scandinavian countries where the sun dosen’t shine for 6 months a year and it is going to be pitch dark every other place on earth is pretty bright. For a really bright career we can head towards the Caribbean islands where it is bright and sunny throughout the year

Anni: Dude did you take weed or something?
Me: Jain college rocks, weed rules!!!
This is one of the lines that I picked from a crazy website created by jain college students
The other lines include ‘Guru mama ,Activa , Shimogga, narsimha and diarrhea . Wah what a life!!!’
‘in math I got 69 ..39 i copied for right side partner and 30 from left side partner..i copied 20 marks from the front 1 but they were wrong..n m proud of it!shaka laka boom boom’
‘I love uday chopra and gay baboons’
I couldn’t stop laughing at these corny jokes

Anni: Guess what, I am getting free access to the internet due to someone else’s wi fi connection
Me: Oh the hot girl who moved in to the house next door eh?
Anni: Maybe , but the connection name says Lakshmikantha
Talking about hot girls and jain college , I must admit that 2 years in jain college were super fun. There were a hell lot of girls . Most of them were really pretty . There was some sort of aura around that place , that palpable atmosphere of traditional south Bangalore and the super slick jain chicks. Even the downmarket ducklings would put in a hell lot of makeup to blossom in to potential Cinderellas . The girls give you bird flu . For those of you who couldn’t understand what that line meant let me explain. meaning there's this radio station called fever 104 and they shout out 'fever fever fever' with a lot of euphoria and gusto , so i thought chicks (or hens) whatever giving u bird flu means they try to inject in u some kind of infectious desire /liking towards them

ok the explanation is too lame ,my mind has gone bonkers
hope u liked this goofy explanation
In jain college , I had a friend by name Shrikanth whom we used to call kantha due to lack of other nicknames that we could think of. so lakshmikantha = lakshmi+kantha
The girl’s name ( new neighbor) is lakshmi and her boyfriend’s name is Srikanth
Hey anni , we’ve cracked the code!!!!

Anni: Get lost weirdo! Guess what , I have some interesting news
Me: Even I have some great news to share, but you first
Anni: Okay , Mercedes Volvo buses from September 1st
What news were you talking about?
Me: Hey I was just kidding , trying to build up the excitement and create a zealous atmosphere
Anni :) :):) I knew for sure that there was a wicked wink behind this laugh of his , a cruel face that said ‘Will you shut up please’

Me: (Since I had to share some news) I said Krishna murty mayya and arpitha Sharma are now friends it seem. I don’t the last time they fought and became enemies but according to the current news that facebook is updating me with , both of them are finally friends
Anni: Thank god !!

Then Abilash came online
Me: hi
Abilash: hey

Me: hi
Abilash: hey

Me: how long are we going to continue like this? This symmetric conversation isn’t rhythmic

Abilash: we could have continued for ever

I finally bid goodbye to both anni and abilash
Ah!! Thank you facebook for providing so much of space for all these lousy conversations